NOT Hulk smashes Valentine’s Day

It’s that time of year again, the day of love when couples exchange gifts and be lovey dovey and whisper sweet nothings to one another.

This Valentines Day is no different with the exception of blatant porn being shown in cinemas worldwide (50 shades you know who you are) .

Well I started it off as usual by giving my wife her gift : bottle of lube ; condoms ; and a PS chocolate as depicted by the featured picture. Well she was onto me. My gag gift , no pun intended , didn’t even phase her she just grabbed the chocolate and tossed me the rest.

She looked a lil disappointed , as if that was my real Valentines gift to her , at which point I produced sweet Sally’s valentines box and Lindt chocolate in a heart shaped tin

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Not sure why she didn’t think I would be prepared I am the Valentines Day master and I was not done yet . You see I had promised her we would watch 50 shades of dogshit and I kept my promise not even load shedding could save me Gateway cinemas were well prepared with their generator.

So we had our snacks and drinks and pizza , yes Gateway Sterkinekor now sells a tiny pizza snack combo which is pretty good when they don’t burn your pepperoni , and who should sit next to us but 3 cackling rude wenches who showed up a few minutes into the movie and the first thing they complained about was that we were in their seats but they will sit next to us anyway .

WE! Were not in anyone else’s seat and I made sure they knew it with a very firm tone showing my obvious annoyance. They cackled together in a small huddle trying to trying to re-read their seat tickets and took a hella long time coming to a decision that yes they were wrong and apologized.

If only their cackling ended there. It was obvious the one next to me had not read the books loosely based on fan fiction which was loosely based on bad fiction as she proceeded to drop her shit at every freaking sex scene. It’s almost like she was never whipped or tied up with rope in the bedroom before. Such innocence. That poor box of smarties , there are children sitting in Big Hero 6 in another cinema deprived of that box thanks to this lady. Yet still it did not end. The movie was 125min long and they used every opportunity to check their phone and flash me in the eyes with their brightness, probably sending each other sweet messages such as ,”Oh Margarietjie dis you sien dardie mannes cock there”. Well that’s what they sounded like. By the 4th time of being flashed in the face I knew I had to put a stop to it. When you have an iPhone with fully adjustable brightness and a flashlight app that can blind a bat I made short work of that mission. That makes 3 bats blind(copyrighted band name by me). At this point I was feeling rather good about myself except I still had another hour to sit through.

After the movie was done and bats vanquished we had to wait another 2 hours for load shedding to be over before we got to eat as restaurants rarely keep generators.

All in all it was a good day with wifey.

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